Inside the Vineyard: We are calling our marriage ministry “Marriage on Purpose” believing that God intended marriage to be a life-long, purposeful relationship.

Dr. Eric Sandras: That is a great title. The whole idea of being married on purpose is important – as is anything that we want to have success with – whether it is finances, relationships, marriage or even our walk with God. Marriages need to learn how to purpose many things - including romance.

ITV: What is the importance of romance in marriage?

DES: It all depends on how you define romance; but if you define it as the emotional well being in a relationship, the passion and the fun, it is very important. However marriages can’t survive solely on romance because that would be like trying to live off sugar. Many researchers say that romance or passion is one of the three necessary elements for a marriage, the others being intimacy and commitment

ITV: Is it possible to get the romance back when it is gone? 

DES: Sure it is – I have a new fireplace in my house. It is the first time I’ve ever had one and I’m still learning how to use it. There have been several times that I’ve built a fire and it seems to be heating the room well. Then I leave it for a few minutes only to find it is almost out when I come back in the room. It doesn’t take that much effort to rekindle the fire that has already been lit. If I just sit there and stare at it, wishing that it would get hot again I’m going to be disappointed. But there are a lot of little tricks to restart the fire. It is the same with romance. There are a lot of ways to get that fire hot again in your marriage.

ITV: What is one of the romantic things that you have done for your wife, Cindy?

DES: One time I took her to her favorite restaurant in one of the harbor towns near our home. It was her birthday and she thought I was just taking her out for dinner. But what she found at the restaurant was around 16 of our closest friends waiting for her. We had a big surprise party for her and we let her know how important she is in our lives. Because of my position as a pastor and a teacher I am often the one who receives a lot of the attention. This night was just for Cindy. She needed to hear how special she was to me and to the people that had gathered there. She told me that the night was very romantic.

ITV: Besides pastoring a Vineyard Church you also serve as a professor in your local college. What misconceptions do you find in your students in regards to relationships?

DES: I think that one of the problems we face in our culture today is our consumer oriented mentality. We not only see the products that we buy with a consumer mindset but also treat our relationships in this way. We only commit to them as long as they are serving our needs. In essence we have a culture that has been raised commitment-phobic and doesn’t understand that relationships are more than just feeling good. They can serve a greater purpose than just serving one person’s needs.

ITV: So many singles strive to be married and so many married people long not to be.

DES: You know what my dad used to say? “When the grass starts looking better on the other side of the fence, it is time to fertilize your own pasture.”

ITV: Laugh

DES: I think that this is part of the problem. We need to learn to have contentment and be satisfied. Instead we try to squeeze out of a human being only that which God can give us. So when you are single you have these soul-needs that aren’t being met and you think they would be if you were married. When you get married you find out that marriage isn’t meeting these deeper soul-needs so we long to be single again. Although it is a legitimate need, we are looking to fill it in illegitimate ways. So we really need to lay a foundation in our lives with a personal relationship with Christ that is authentic and tangible.

ITV: What will people take away from this upcoming Marriage on Purpose?

DES: There is a plethora of information available to our culture. We do not have a shortage of marriage manuals, books, and speakers. So I don’t try to inundate people with information; they can find that in other places. Instead I try to keep it really practical. I have boiled these sessions into three important things that if you will attend to, you will be on the right road to a healthy marriage.

In terms of sexuality the church is notorious for being quiet on this issue. We either don’t talk about it or we beat around the bush and use the wrong terminology. I think it is just ridiculous. I’d say over 70% of the people in our churches watch TV sitcoms with sexual references and see romantic scenes in a movie without thinking twice, but when they get to church they clam up about the issue. It is a real part of our lives and one that we need the freedom to discuss.

ITV: Do we have to discuss it now? I’m not sure I am comfortable discussing it here. This is a church bulletin.

DES: My point exactly. In the Marriage on Purpose meeting we will talk about how to enhance your sex life without having to read Cosmopolitan at the grocery counter.

ITV: That should get people to attend!

DES: Hopefully so.

Generation NeXt goes to church:

It’s Sunday morning and while most preachers are putting on their suits and polishing their shoes, Pastor Eric Sandras of the Olympic Vineyard Christian Fellowship is throwing on a pair of Levi’s and lacing up his Doc Martins. He leads a growing group of people on the Peninsula who’s burgeoning perspective on church-life is, “We may not be religious, but we are serious about God.” This morning while many others explore their relationship with God neatly aligned in pews, Eric’s congregation will sit around a mix of bistro tables, pews, and floor pillows. They will eat bagels, drink freshly brewed coffee, and enjoy the sound of worship led by a keyboards, drums, electric guitars, and a bass. All across America, the fastest growing churches seem to be the ones where history and tradition try to blend with cultural relevance and change. This is the Olympic Peninsula’s prototype of what church growth experts are calling a “3^rd wave” church.

“There is a reason that the Christian church in America hasn’t seen any significant increase in growth over the past 20 years, while the Christian church world-wide is growing at a rate 3 times that of the population,” comments Eric. “My generation (Generation X) got disillusioned in all the church bureaucracy and hype of the 70’s and 80’s. Today’s generation is looking for a genuine community of people that they can call ‘family’.”  Eric’s statistics are accurate. According to the Barna Research Group, it is estimated that of the approximately 350,000 churches in America, four out of five are either plateaued or declining. Between 80-85% of the churches in America are on the down-side of their growth cycle. “I don’t feel the need to make the Bible relevant to people, because it all ready is. But I think its time for the church to become relevant to a new generation”, Eric states emphatically.

So the question is why is this unique church growing? Especially in an area where “Generation X” ideals are often ignored by the monolithic numbers of retired and “Baby-boomer” individuals who make the peninsula their home. The answer lies within the question itself. This church is unique. As Eric explains, “Most churches today are either conservative or liberal in their doctrine. Conservative in that they take the Bible literally and believe in the infallibility of God’s Word. Liberal in that they preach the Bible in principle, but leave lots of room for interpretation or differing philosophies. However, regardless of their doctrinal approach, most churches in America are conservative in their culture. This means that they tend to be perceived as emphasizing conformity, structure, and programs. It has been the goal of my team to build a church that is conservative in its doctrine, but liberal in its culture. Liberal in the sense that we place a high value on creativity, the arts, and people’s freedom to come to church ‘as they are.’ There is an attitudinal difference that makes up the people who attend this church. It is not just a Gen-X thing, but a desire to just be real people who worship a real Jesus. No games, no hype, just a desire to know God.”

Indeed, creativity and diversity seem to be key components to this unique fellowship. Numerous bistro tables that participants sit in have been painted and decorated by congregation members themselves. There seems to be constant movement as individuals participate in communion, light candles at a prayer alter, and kneel at either of two pray benches during any point in the service, even during the traditional preaching time. It’s even hard to stereotype the type of person that attends. Looking around the room during service you see neatly dressed young professional families, tie-dye clad students, a 6 foot 4 inch gentle giant of a worship leader, children of all ages, and heavy sprinkling of hard core punkers sitting next to red-neck cowboys. Even Pastor Eric, who instructed Human Sexuality and Family Relations courses while finishing his Ph.D. at Oregon State University, admits his church is “nothing like what I expected when I started it 6 years ago. It’s better.” And the diversity goes on… Where in many churches the “Shhhhh” you hear is from the usher asking you to be quiet, at the Vineyard it comes from the latte machine.  Some of the best numbers coming out of this Northwest Vineyard Church is that over 50% of the congregation is non churched people. They are either new conversions or non-transfers, meaning that the church is not growing from siphoning people off other local churches.

One might think this congregation has developed a holier-than-thou attitude toward other churches in the area. Instead they do things unheard of in most traditional churches. Last year they gave away two entire offerings to other churches or ministries. As well, Eric readily admits that he is “flying by the seat of his pants” in terms of church life dynamics. Thus, he regularly meets with 7 or 8 area pastors on Tuesday mornings for prayer and relationship, where as he puts it, “I soak up wisdom from some guys a whole lot smarter than I.“